Los Angeles is a city of independent drivers, and the first and most vital imperative for any aspiring Angeleno is to master the delicate art of navigation. The streets in the southland are neither uniformly parallel nor numbered in any logical succession. In fact, most major streets are not numbered at all; they are either named in Spanish or named after obscure people and plants, which would require one to possess a functional memory to know which street goes toward which landmarks in which cardinal direction and where that street changes names. Even with the advent of GPS devices, unfortunately, this task never comes without difficulty. The actual driving directions to one of my old apartments from UCLA, for example, read like so: "Take Westwood Boulevard south, which becomes National Place and, subsequently, changes its name again to National Boulevard; then, turn left on National Boulevard; then, turn left on National Boulevard; then, turn left on Shelby Drive." If you don't believe me, look it up on Google Maps. Why does National Boulevard intersect itself so many times? No one knows.
This brings us to the greatest piece of survival advice for anyone who foresees even the slightest – though nearly inevitable – possibility of ever getting lost in Los Angeles: Know how to locate the Pacific Ocean. Like whales, which travel along coastlines to reach their natural breeding waters, humans can rely on the coastline to reach their favorite shopping mall or beach, as the ocean clues you in to which direction is north, south, east, and west. Every Californian born in the greater Los Angeles area grows up learning environmental and visual cues to recognize beach towns and their vicinities, and you can learn them, too.
STREETS: Important streets of note include Santa Monica Boulevard, Wilshire Boulevard, Sunset Boulevard, Venice Boulevard, Manhattan Beach Boulevard, Torrance Boulevard, Beach Boulevard, Harbor Boulevard, MacArthur Boulevard, and, of course, the infamous Pacific Coast Highway. These streets lead to and travel along the ocean, forming the backbone of Los Angeles and Orange County beach culture.
CLIMATE: Although not many of you have the ability to sense minute changes in temperature, know that beach towns are generally a few degrees cooler than is the inland, with slight humidity. Sometimes, beach towns also are covered by something called a "marine layer" – a foggy mist whose presence often ruins an otherwise wonderful beach day.
LANDSCAPE: For the real estate enthusiast who can appraise property at a glance, become familiar with real estate trends to identify beach neighborhoods. In the Pacific Palisades, for example, houses will become larger, grander, and more exclusive as you near the ocean. Many houses also come decorated with a BMW or two in the front, depending on the taste of the homeowner. In Venice Beach, on the other hand, housing and square footage will become increasingly incongruent with their high real estate value the closer you are to the water. These million-dollar beach shacks also tend to come painted in obscenely and unacceptably bright colors, such as yellow or "electric purple," and streets, for some reason, tend to be small, cracked, and unkempt.
WILDLIFE: Beach towns are mainly populated by species of seagulls, domesticated dogs, and beach people. It is nearly impossible to define beach people, as they range in appearance from the Beverly Hills girl to the beach bum, from the Orange County suburbian to the Jersey Shore-like musclehead, or from the international tourists to the local family. But generally, you will see beach people wearing things called "roller blades" (shoes with wheels which were presumed extinct in the 1990s) or riding bicycles in short pants or board shorts without shirts. If a car's surf board or kayak strapped to its roof sticks out a few feet behind the vehicle and almost hits you, then you are probably near a beach.
If after assessing every one of these details you still cannot determine where you are in relation to the beach, then trust this: When over the horizon you see nothing but water, you are probably within a few miles of the ocean. And if that fails, just try a GPS.
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