If you haven't heard already, I currently live in New York City.
Angelenos like to dream. New Yorkers like to presume. They presume that by living in New York City, they must be the most advanced, rational, savvy, and sophisticated people on the planet. Most of all, they presume that no other city in this nation – not even Los Angeles – can possibly be better than New York City. Thankfully, as a non-New Yorker, I can judge this so-called greatest city in the world without bias. Trust me.
New York City is a densely populated urban area approximately 2,800 miles northeast of UCLA that is serviced by seven Shake Shacks, hundreds of Starbucks coffeehouses, and a million pizza joints. The best and most in many things and the standard to which all other cities measure – New York City needs no introduction. It does, however, need some clarification.
Yes, NYC is the most populous and densest city in the United States. It has more skyscrapers over 500 feet tall than any other city in the nation. It has the first subway track in the country, as well as the most subway stops of any other mass rapid transit system. It is the hub of American theatre and ballet, the centerpiece of global finance, the home of NBC's 30 Rock and ABC's Ugly Betty, a recurring place of interest in FOX's Fringe, and the ultimate dream destination for every true hipster. The city also hosts some of the world's most classic and innovative architecture. But what people fail to see, whether or not inadvertently, is the real New York City. Give anyone a clear mind, and they would no doubt deem this city grossly unacceptable.
Number one on the list of grievances? New York City harbors a vicious and degenerate sub-species of city pigeon that is best known for having become the fattest and laziest pigeon in the world, slow in reflex and with little to no fear of humans. Whoever said pigeons are rats with wings no doubt lived in New York City for some time. City pigeons monopolize sidewalks and terrorize pedestrians, as they'd much rather prefer walking into walls and humans than flying. They also lack the ability to see anything beyond 3 inches in front of them, unless it is food. Transport the New York City pigeon to Africa, and it would surely not survive more than a few minutes without city people feeding them and not killing them.
Which brings us to city people. City people are skinny, human versions of city pigeons. They look like Californians, but with lighter skin and more clothes. In Manhattan, most city people are either out-of-state transplants who did not originally grow up as city people, or they are from Queens. They choose to become city people under the presumption that living in the city will make them somehow more authentic, mature, and cultured. City people range from the age of 18 to 40. Everyone older has most likely come to the realization that New York City is not a nice place to raise a family, and everyone younger is most likely those older people's children.
Which then brings us to houses. $1,750 a month for an old, crumbling, 130 square-foot apartment without a trash chute. Why even bother?
Which then brings us to trash. How is it at all acceptable for 3- to 6-feet piles of trash bags to accumulate on sidewalks 5 out of 7 days of the week? It isn't. Sometimes, half the sidewalk is covered with trash, and the other half is covered with pigeons, in which case I would strongly suggest taking another route rather than risk being attacked by the pigeons or, worse, fighting for walking space with a city person.
Don't be fooled. This is the real New York City:
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