Snow Day

January at Corona del Mar, Orange County, California.

As early as October, we saw the season’s first winter’s snow in New York City. Yes, October – the Fall had just begun, and the even colder Winter lurked around the corner, but I wasn’t worried about it. Why, you ask? Because I knew I would most certainly be dead before February's end – if not from the cold itself, then from slipping on ice and slush into the streets. However, with a little luck and a little asocial behavior, it seems I made it to Spring.

Every year, I am faced with the strange and arduous task of wardrobe transitioning - that is, the chore of putting away your summer clothes and taking out your winter clothes, while becoming nostalgic about the warmth of summer. This yearly ritual supposedly stems from the fact that most of the world experiences normal climate cycles – these things called "seasons." The “Fall” and “Winter” seasons are not entirely foreign concepts to the Southern Californian; these seasons are commonly recognized by the extra two weeks of rainfall scattered throughout the months from November to March, the existence of markedly less desirable beach days, and the drop in nighttime temperatures to as low as 50 degrees Fahrenheit, at which time you might consider wearing a hooded sweatshirt. However, as it turns out, the “Fall” and “Winter” of Los Angeles is nothing like the “Fall” and “Winter” of the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic.

In New York, these seasons manifest by changing leaf colors of trees from green to orange, yellow, and red, and, soon after, the loss of leaves altogether. These two seasons also mark a drop in temperature significant enough to bring about changes in the nature of precipitation from wet rain to actual snow and ice. As such, to avoid dying from hypothermia, it becomes a necessity for a New Yorker to wear thicker, warmer clothing during this half of the year.

January in New York City, after the magical first snow of the year.

In New York, it’s all about a very interesting concept that entails clothing being not only fashionable, but also practical. One example that comes to mind is the jacket collar: Did you know that popping a jacket collar is not primarily an aesthetic preference? It serves a practical purpose - a survival mechanism of sorts - to protect your neck from freezing in the winter's bitter cold and razor-sharp wind. Another example is down feather; down jackets provide not only the puffy, warm, winter look, but also actual warmth.

Practicality in clothing of course brings up several questions for the native Angelino who plans to experience a fall or winter in New York. Why can’t I wear my Rainbows in the snow? How can I distinguish between a winter jacket and a real winter jacket? What is the point of buying good looking clothing when the skin of your arms, legs, neck, clavicles, and general body shape are not at least partially exposed? How am I supposed to attract a future spouse without sporting a V-neck? Indeed, the Northeast is a different world, entirely. Winter must be, I suppose, one of those times of the year when “personality” becomes an actual thing.

The High Life: A How-To

People enjoying a view from the MET that they probably can't afford to rent or own.

So I've lost the battle in finding the perfect apartment in New York City. It's not a nice place to settle down for normal people, but figuring that this would be the only time in my life living in some "greatest city on earth," I thought I was willing to pay more for the luxurious life. But in the end, New York City is about destroying dreams. "But don't you get paid more by your job in New York?" you ask. Yes, I do. But unfortunately, salary increases have not been keeping up with increases in tax, rent, everything, food, transportation, and tuition. I've met far too many people who move to New York City imagining their lives in a high-rise apartment south of 110th Street with, for the big dreamers, a beautiful view of the skyline - only to find themselves on the 5th floor of a should-be-condemned walk-up with views of a brick wall from their kitchenette window. For normal people, New York City life is defined by compromise and sacrifice. If you refuse to believe me, then you are in luck. There are a few ways you can live the glamorous life in New York, and here are the top five:

(1) The first and perhaps most practical method of living the Manhattan luxury high life, although no doubt the most arduous, is to get a job that pays an exorbitantly high salary. Unfortunately high-paying careers usually require either years of post-baccalaureate education or years of working unreasonable hours, both options which leave you with precious lost time, increased debt, and decreased health. However, the payoff after 10 plus years, to some, is worth the suffering.

(2) The second most practical way to live the Manhattan high life is to inherit your high rise condo home. However, this method is nearly, if not completely, impossible for the average Joe, as it presents the very real problem of needing to be related to someone who owns a desirable apartment.

(3) Another tactic similar to that of the inheritance method but significantly more feasible is to marry someone whose job pays an exorbitantly high salary. This method poses the slightly inconvenient, though notably very possible, task of meeting someone wealthy and, subsequently, falling in love with them. However, should you be the type who marries solely for money, then you can skip the love, making your job considerably easier.

(4) Rob a bank. Fortunately, banks have a lot of money, and New York City is full of banks. Unfortunately, you risk incarceration, since robbing banks - like assaulting a bus operator, as the MTA enjoys reminding the public - is prohibited by law.

(5) The last most practical method to living the city high life is to live somewhere else. Choosing a significantly less desirable area, such as East Harlem, The Bronx, Queens, parts of Brooklyn, and Jersey City, you might find yourself suddenly presented with several, almost-affordable luxury high rise apartments. The downside? Your nights might be plagued with inconvenient sounds on the street, such as loud music, overground train horns, or people screaming. The commute to your job will increase more than three-fold, you risk paying thousands of dollars in bridge and tunnel tolls, and you also won't be near a Trader Joe's.

A view of midtown from Chelsea/West Village - two neighbourhoods which, in only recent decades, joined the ranks of New York City's unaffordable places to live.

Some people believe that if they search hard enough and long enough, they will find the perfect apartment for the perfect price in the perfect location and without a broker's fee. For you with high hopes, here is a rule of thumb: In New York City, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Summer Days

The typical Los Angeles day, recognised by 72 degree temperatures, the presence of sunlight, the smiles of happy people, and the absence of clouds.

If you read any type of news, follow any type of social media, or are connected in any way to the outside world, you've probably found yourself trapped in the midst of 29 million people who can't stop talking about anything except the magnitude 5.8 earthquake in Virginia that was strong enough to topple chairs and coffee cups and close down Ikeas throughout the eastern seaboard this week. It was a shock to several of my peers here in New York City to learn that the earth's tectonic plates move, and it was a shock to me to learn that city people lead such boring lives that the most exciting part of their week was feeling a building shake. Nevertheless, a rarity indeed, I can only imagine everyone's excitement as something similar to how I feel when it snows in LA. Immune to any geologic movement less than a magnitude 7.0, I actually didn't feel a thing at all. Now, in the midst of all the bustle revolving around Hurricane Irene, I've come to see that city people have an inexplicable fascination with and attraction to the drama of participating in natural disasters. All the while, I find it most odd that no one seems to be even a bit astonished more often at the inappropriateness of New York City's daily weather.

Los Angeles weather is simple, straight forward, and most of all agreeable. Summer days, in particular, with the exception of some June gloom, are invariably sunny and warm. New York City weather, on the other hand, presents a particularly challenging concept to grasp. "New York has awful weather compared to that of Los Angeles," is about as far as small talk goes. However, understanding the exact magnitude of the awfulness of New York City's weather requires careful investigation and analysis.

Understanding the New York Summer

After living through two summers in New York, I can say for certain that April showers bring May showers and June showers and July showers and August showers – a stark contrast to the sunny days of LA. In fact, New York City experiences about three months more rainy and precipitous days a year than does Los Angeles. The chills and snow of winter is understandable, but New York City summers are naught but unreasonable, consisting of only three states of weather – thunderstorm, severe thunderstorm, and heat wave. Usually, there are four days of thunderstorms and three days of unacceptably hot temperatures, and seven days of unbearable humidity. However, as with New York City trains and buses, there is no real way to predict when and in what order these days will come.

It is perplexing, to say the least, as to why the idea of a "weather report" still exists in New York City today. Besides the MTA, the local weather programming is perhaps one of the most wasteful of all types of monetary expenditures. Why? Because there is simply no such thing as an extended forecast. The weather report in New York City changes every 15 minutes, with every hour wavering between 10% and 100% chance precipitation. 30% chance rain at 3:00PM today could mean 0%, 10%, 50%, or 100%; you will not know until 3:00PM arrives, but even then, the current weather is often incorrect. For a good part of the week, the weather forecast for Hurricane Irene was 30% chance sunshine.

Surviving the New York Summer

This lack of logical weather makes for a particularly frustrating experience for any Angeleno in New York City when planning a beach day with friends. Beach-appropriate days must be determined on a day-to-day basis.

Your best bet when it comes to planning for weather here is to not plan at all and to only trust your senses of touch and sight. If you step outside, and the sun is shining, the weather report may say 90% chance precipitation, but you know it is sunny. Call your friends and confirm your trip to the beach. If water drops fall from the sky, the weather report may say 0% chance precipitation, but you know it is either raining, someone's air conditioning unit is leaking, or a city pigeon is urinating. In the case that you feel rain falling from the sky and see no sun, cancel your beach trip. Please note that it is ill-advised to go to the beach during a hurricane.

The next issue to discuss is the use of funny things called umbrellas. (1) Umbrellas do not fit on sidewalks crowded with city people and tourists. (2) Umbrellas cannot withstand the wind in the city. Most umbrellas which try the test of city storms end up broken and in the gutter. (3) There is never anywhere to lay your umbrella when taking the bus or subway; the only places for your wet umbrella are on your lap or on the subway car floor, which is, I remind you, the dirtiest floors in the country. Unless you insist on holding an umbrella as a fashionable accessory, it may be best to not bring along an umbrella at all.

The last issue is boredom. When it is either too hot or too precipitous – that is, every day of the city's summer – your best bet is to stay indoors. Uneventful, yes, but if absolutely necessary, you have the option, albeit the inevitably very miserable option, of going out. During hurricanes and tropical storms, though, the whole city shuts down, including all public transportation, leaving you with no other option than to stay home and, I'm afraid, pick up something called a "hobby." During Irene, for example, I hunted flies which somehow infiltrated my apartment, and I began painting with watercolours. Note that in the most unfortunate but entirely likely case the power goes out and/or your flat floods, hobbies may not be all that adequate to pass the time.

The typical New York City summer day, from the outside (top), and from the inside (bottom).

If in the event a delightfully warm and dry day should arise, be warned that all public spaces and venues for entertainment, recreation, and leisure will be overrun by 2 million other city people and tourists who are also vying for access to whatever you are planning to do.