The 1800s marked indeed a major milestone in human history with the advent of margarine – the butter substitute. One hundred years later came a newer butter substitute with a name that both resonated with every happy American household and concealed the fact that no one had any idea what it actually was – I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! In 1999, another concoction, Splenda, took over the United States as the then most revolutionary and most exciting almost-zero-calorie substitute for sugar. These are all artificial imitations the real deal, and, as such, these things I've sworn to never use.
The same rule applies to beaches. New York City suffers from a dearth of sandy ocean shores - a fact which, to any Angeleno, begs perhaps the greatest question regarding the transition to Manhattan – "How am I to maintain a golden tan without the year-round availability of a decent beach within a 20 minute drive?"
New Yorkers, cognisant of their skin-color defecit, have developed over the years three, desperate alternatives to a real, proper beach, known to locals as "Water Taxi Beaches," "Central Park," and "Coney Island." There was a time when these places, like Splenda or margarine, I deemed decidedly unfit to use for any beach-related, substitutionary purpose. But I am only a man, and as a native Angeleno, having withdrawn from the sun for the past 8 months, with progressively brittling bones and paling skin, I needed a fix. So, I did those things which I once thought odd and unacceptable – things which the average city person might do – I lied out under the sun at Central Park and dug my feet into the sand at a Water Taxi Beach.
Sheep Meadow, Central Park: In the city, grass is the new sand. Popular among unfortunate New Yorkers who need a sunny space to tan and play frisbee, Sheep Meadow is a gigantic, public front lawn that is large enough to accommodate hundreds of city people and their friends and family. If you close your eyes, ignore the prickling of the grass beneath you, imagine the sound of an ocean, and pretend that everyone around is sporting swimwear and playing in the water or sand, then Sheep Meadow is really no different from any California beach.
Water Taxi Beaches: Water Taxi Beaches are gigantic, strategically placed sandboxes in New York City. The name itself should be enough to deter any traveler in search of sun and sand. In the city, however, because of the Hipster Paradox, the unappealing suddenly becomes popular, and the three Water Taxi Beaches which surround Manhattan are no exception. With imported sand and plastic palm trees, to the severely visually impaired, these parks might actually pass as real beaches. The only things missing are crashing waves and physical access to ocean water.
Coney Island: Coney Island is a beach-like area along the ocean in the outer edge of Brooklyn. People say that Coney Island in the 1970s was a dangerous place to be, but that the venue had begun major plans for renewal – planning that has lasted for the past 40 years and counting. Its most well-known hidden gems include shards of glass, hypodermic needles, and overweight old men. But don't take my word for it; I've never been and don't intend on visiting any time soon.
In the end, you may end up with a nice tan, but remember that no matter what, none of these activities will ever replace having a real California beach day.
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