Summer Days

The typical Los Angeles day, recognised by 72 degree temperatures, the presence of sunlight, the smiles of happy people, and the absence of clouds.

If you read any type of news, follow any type of social media, or are connected in any way to the outside world, you've probably found yourself trapped in the midst of 29 million people who can't stop talking about anything except the magnitude 5.8 earthquake in Virginia that was strong enough to topple chairs and coffee cups and close down Ikeas throughout the eastern seaboard this week. It was a shock to several of my peers here in New York City to learn that the earth's tectonic plates move, and it was a shock to me to learn that city people lead such boring lives that the most exciting part of their week was feeling a building shake. Nevertheless, a rarity indeed, I can only imagine everyone's excitement as something similar to how I feel when it snows in LA. Immune to any geologic movement less than a magnitude 7.0, I actually didn't feel a thing at all. Now, in the midst of all the bustle revolving around Hurricane Irene, I've come to see that city people have an inexplicable fascination with and attraction to the drama of participating in natural disasters. All the while, I find it most odd that no one seems to be even a bit astonished more often at the inappropriateness of New York City's daily weather.

Los Angeles weather is simple, straight forward, and most of all agreeable. Summer days, in particular, with the exception of some June gloom, are invariably sunny and warm. New York City weather, on the other hand, presents a particularly challenging concept to grasp. "New York has awful weather compared to that of Los Angeles," is about as far as small talk goes. However, understanding the exact magnitude of the awfulness of New York City's weather requires careful investigation and analysis.

Understanding the New York Summer

After living through two summers in New York, I can say for certain that April showers bring May showers and June showers and July showers and August showers – a stark contrast to the sunny days of LA. In fact, New York City experiences about three months more rainy and precipitous days a year than does Los Angeles. The chills and snow of winter is understandable, but New York City summers are naught but unreasonable, consisting of only three states of weather – thunderstorm, severe thunderstorm, and heat wave. Usually, there are four days of thunderstorms and three days of unacceptably hot temperatures, and seven days of unbearable humidity. However, as with New York City trains and buses, there is no real way to predict when and in what order these days will come.

It is perplexing, to say the least, as to why the idea of a "weather report" still exists in New York City today. Besides the MTA, the local weather programming is perhaps one of the most wasteful of all types of monetary expenditures. Why? Because there is simply no such thing as an extended forecast. The weather report in New York City changes every 15 minutes, with every hour wavering between 10% and 100% chance precipitation. 30% chance rain at 3:00PM today could mean 0%, 10%, 50%, or 100%; you will not know until 3:00PM arrives, but even then, the current weather is often incorrect. For a good part of the week, the weather forecast for Hurricane Irene was 30% chance sunshine.

Surviving the New York Summer

This lack of logical weather makes for a particularly frustrating experience for any Angeleno in New York City when planning a beach day with friends. Beach-appropriate days must be determined on a day-to-day basis.

Your best bet when it comes to planning for weather here is to not plan at all and to only trust your senses of touch and sight. If you step outside, and the sun is shining, the weather report may say 90% chance precipitation, but you know it is sunny. Call your friends and confirm your trip to the beach. If water drops fall from the sky, the weather report may say 0% chance precipitation, but you know it is either raining, someone's air conditioning unit is leaking, or a city pigeon is urinating. In the case that you feel rain falling from the sky and see no sun, cancel your beach trip. Please note that it is ill-advised to go to the beach during a hurricane.

The next issue to discuss is the use of funny things called umbrellas. (1) Umbrellas do not fit on sidewalks crowded with city people and tourists. (2) Umbrellas cannot withstand the wind in the city. Most umbrellas which try the test of city storms end up broken and in the gutter. (3) There is never anywhere to lay your umbrella when taking the bus or subway; the only places for your wet umbrella are on your lap or on the subway car floor, which is, I remind you, the dirtiest floors in the country. Unless you insist on holding an umbrella as a fashionable accessory, it may be best to not bring along an umbrella at all.

The last issue is boredom. When it is either too hot or too precipitous – that is, every day of the city's summer – your best bet is to stay indoors. Uneventful, yes, but if absolutely necessary, you have the option, albeit the inevitably very miserable option, of going out. During hurricanes and tropical storms, though, the whole city shuts down, including all public transportation, leaving you with no other option than to stay home and, I'm afraid, pick up something called a "hobby." During Irene, for example, I hunted flies which somehow infiltrated my apartment, and I began painting with watercolours. Note that in the most unfortunate but entirely likely case the power goes out and/or your flat floods, hobbies may not be all that adequate to pass the time.

The typical New York City summer day, from the outside (top), and from the inside (bottom).

If in the event a delightfully warm and dry day should arise, be warned that all public spaces and venues for entertainment, recreation, and leisure will be overrun by 2 million other city people and tourists who are also vying for access to whatever you are planning to do.

Apartment Hunting

Apartments along Central Park.

I received a letter from Columbia University's housing office saying, "Congratulations on your graduation! You must vacate your room by June 30." Now I am on the hunt for a new place to live. It was a sad day, however, when I discovered that The Law of New York Prices was not only true, but also applies to everything, not just restaurants and foodstuffs. "Oh, you found a decent studio apartment in the Meatpacking District, but it's $4,295 a month? What did you expect? It's the New York price." "You have to pay an extra 3.5% in income tax on top of federal and state taxes? Well, this is New York City."

My first cousin, once removed, here in New York City.
Note the fine base moulding that lines an also fine and even wood floor – things you will not find in any affordable Manhattan apartment.

I'm not asking for much in an apartment. My room now is a 130 square foot cell on 169th Street (literally off the map on many maps of Manhattan), with linoleum tiled flooring for that quaint, 1960s bathroom-style look and feel. For my new place, I'd prefer something larger than 200 square feet, but I don't necessarily need the size and space. I don't need a concierge or stainless steel appliances. Large windows would be nice, but not required. What I do ask for, however, is even flooring and baseboards that don't look like rubber that was pulled off a tire and glued on the wall by a 5-year-old, and I would prefer to live below 110th Street. I don't even need a full kitchen or closet space. In Los Angeles, I allowed myself $900 a month for rent but never paid more than $600. In New York, with a budget of $1,750 a month, you'd think I'd be set. You'd think.

Ugly Betty, season 3, episode 1 – "The Manhattan Project"

Many people might imagine the apartment hunt in New York City as something akin to what is shown in ABC's cancelled television series, Ugly Betty. In the beginning of the show's third season, Betty decides to move from Queens to Manhattan, and she and her family find themselves traumatized by how supposedly ghetto her Manhattan apartment is (please refer to the above picture). But in reality, Betty's apartment is possibly one of the best catches and one of the more expensive options anyone can run across in Manhattan. Here's the breakdown:

Size: Betty's apartment is at least 450 square feet in size on the top floor of a pre-war walk-up. That alone should cost her a baseline of $800 a month.

Location: Rooftop views from her apartment reveal that she is no further than 8 blocks from the Empire State Building in midtown. Assuming she lives on the West side, that would add another $1,000 a month to her rent.

Windows: With oversized windows on both ends of her apartment, plus windows on the third wall, Betty's apartment can boast of an abundance of natural light. Add $200 a month.

Quality and Details: Her wooden floor panels look surprisingly high in quality and lie flush against each other. Include exposed brick, colorful walls, and decent baseboard moulding, and you have another $100 a month.

Kitchen: With all necessary appliances (including a stove-top oven) and a pass-through counter, add another $200 a month.

Amenities: This apartment might be dubbed a luxury apartment ("luxury apartment," in Manhattan, meaning "adequately livable space"). Building amenities include roof access, a functioning stairwell, public transportation within 10 blocks, a fire escape, and a front door with a lock. If that's not luxury, I don't know what is. Add $100 a month.

Bathroom: The only downside is the strange placement of the bathtub, which may or may not warrant the apartment a "studio + full bath" label; subtract $200 a month.

Broker's Fee: It is a custom of New Yorkers and people moving to the city to request the services of a certain type of human called an "apartment broker" when securing real estate. The cost of such a service generally runs at 10-15% of first year's rent. Add $220.

The effective grand total for Betty's Manhattan luxury apartment with broker's fee comes to about $2,420 a month. Working as an assistant for a magazine editor, Betty no doubt earns much less than $50,000 a year in salary, which, after federal, New York State, and New York City Resident income taxes, comes out to a net total of roughly $38,000 a year. That means Betty can afford her apartment if she spends over 75% of her net income on rent, assuming, again conservatively, that she does earn as much as $50K a year. After paying for utilities and MTA cards, and assuming she eats food to survive, Betty should be well in debt by every year's end. But television doesn't teach this to kids, does it? Television lies and tells us that people like Betty can feasibly scrape by and do well in New York City living in a 450 square foot studio in midtown Manhattan.

Home is where the cheap rent is. Most people, after realizing that Manhattan is an unreasonably expensive place to live, concoct different schemes to cope with their rent. Some build T-walls, turning their one bedroom apartment into a three bedroom apartment. Some rent their couches to backpacking sojourners and vagabonds for $50 a night. Some decide to live in the subway. Others move to Queens. Others move back to California.

One more picture of my first cousin, once removed, only because she is adorable.

New York Prices

Paella Valenciana from TORO, a Spanish tapas restaurant in Boston's South End.

One of Spain's greatest legacies to the world in all of history is the tapas restaurant. Called by some as "small plates," tapas dishes most closely resemble appetizers, h'orderves, or gourmet bar food – petite and shareable portions of what are usually finely executed culinary creations. In recent years, several modern cuisine and fusion restaurants have followed suit in serving menus in the tapas tradition. Traif, the restaurant I mentioned late last month, can be considered one of these avant-garde, new American, tapas-styled restaurants.

I like Korean food. I like small plates. Together, they make the best dinner you will ever have in your life. Thanks to modern Korean fusion, we now have some of the most innovative foods invented thus far in the 21st century, including the bulgogi Korean beef slider and the kalbi short rib taco. In the West Los Angeles area, locked in the heart of downtown Culver City, was my all-time favorite restaurant, Gyenari. The best things in life may not be free, but they will surely have coupons or happy hour prices, and Gyenari's happy hour dishes were arguably the best spent $13 I ever paid for a meal.

We as humans have lost many a great thing to well-intended but unwarranted and imprudent reinvention. Take the new Penn Station, for example, on West 34th Street. What was once a grand architectural marvel is now an unsightly, haphazard mesh of walls, train tracks, and escalators, all thanks to the reinvention of the 1960s – a decade of freedom and love that also happened to be the decade that made everything look ugly. A tragedy to the world, Gyenari earlier this year also decided to reinvent itself into a more expensive version of the original, now called Moko, without its beloved bulgogi sliders or kimchi fried rice.

Los Angeles is the Korean food capital of the nation, and it has been difficult, to say the least, finding anthing comparable in New York City. Imagine my excitement, then, when I discovered Danji – a small restaurant on West 52nd Street, serving the same tapas-style Korean fusion food that Gyenari once did.

Whelk salad and soba, kimchi bacon fried "paella," and pork belly sliders. I don't know what possessed me to take pictures of my food.

Danji's food was lacking in substance, but adequately delicious and of excellent quality. I am not much a food critic; I am, though, a price critic. I couldn't find it in my heart to mention to the white couple sitting next to me that the kimchi and the scallion pancakes they ordered for something like $16 are usually free (though maybe not as fancy) at other Korean restaurants. In comparison? Take a look at a couple select dishes:

GYENARI, Culver City:
Bulgogi Sliders with grilled onions and gouda ... $5
Kimchi Fried Rice with double-fried pork belly and fried egg ... $4

DANJI, New York City:
Bulgogi Filet Mignon Sliders ... $14
Kimchi Bacon Fried "Paella" ... $14 (+$2 with fried egg)

Perhaps I am only mourning the death of Gyenari, but I personally consider these New York prices to be inexcusable, especially for Kimchi fried rice. However, because Danji's meat is all organic, and because not everyone comes from Los Angeles, and considering the cost of atmosphere and presentation, I suppose the prices are acceptable to the average New Yorker and the New York City tourist who know no better. And, I suppose, there is a reason why Gyenari no longer exists.

Danji's business card details, included only because I like its clean look.

"What do you expect? It's New York prices" seems to be the ubiquitous excuse. A tofu soup from BCD Tofu House in Los Angeles costs $8.99; from BCD Tofu House in New York City, $11.99. The one-dollar menu at McDonald's in midtown? $1.69. So here is the lesson of the day, known as The Law of New York City Prices: Everything in New York is 15 to 500% more expensive than it is in Los Angeles. If the summer humidity, trash on the streets, crowds, and city pigeons haven't already ruined your day, then rest assured that New York City prices will. Bring cash accordingly.